If dogs could talk, can you imagine the things we’d finally know?
No more guessing what that bark means, no more wondering why they stare at the wall, and no more confusion over which treats are their favourite. Instead, we’d get real answers straight from the source.
Although there are some pretty smart doggos out there, who have teamed up with their pet parent to communicate (like Kenny the talking dog), not all dogs have mastered the dog-to-human translator.
So, the Mad Paws team pulled together 20 questions we’d love to ask our furry friends.
If dogs could talk, here’s what we’d ask them…
1. Who’s your favourite human in the family?
Go on, be honest! Just know that you could jeopardise your treat rations if you choose the wrong person…
2. What are you dreaming about when you twitch and whimper in your sleep?
Are you chasing tennis balls… or running from the vacuum? And follow-up question, can we wake you if it looks like you’re having a bad dream?
3. Do you have a secret name for me?
We’re thinking it’s probably something like, “food provider” or “giant hairless pup”… right?
4. Do you really love your kibble and treats?
…Or would you prefer something completely different? For clarity, the options aren’t endless. There’s no 10-course degustation on the menu. We’d just like to know what kind of dog food you prefer.
5. When I leave the house, do you worry I won’t come back?
We hope the answer is no. But we’d love to know for sure.
6. How much do you actually understand when I talk to you?
Is it the words, or just the tone? We certainly know you’ve mastered selective hearing…!
7. What exactly do you learn from sniffing another dog’s butt?
We have pondered this, in an article titled ‘Why do dogs like to sniff butts?‘, but we’d love to hear it from the horse’s dog’s mouth.
8. Do you get embarrassed when I dress you in costumes?
Or are you secretly proud of your wardrobe?
9. Do you actually understand when I say “I love you”?
Do any of the other ways to say ‘I love you’ in dog language get through to you?
10. What do you think I am?
Another dog, a weird creature, or your personal butler/chef/assistant?
11. Why does scratching behind your ear make your leg kick like crazy?
If dogs could talk, like Kenny the Bichon, you can command scratches whenever you want them:
12. When I video call you from the pet cam, do you actually recognise me?
Or are you completely shell-shocked that I’m not physically there but you can still hear me? (It’s magic!)
13. Do you get jealous when I pat another dog?
Should I be jealous when you run up to other humans and encourage pats and cuddles?
14. Are you really that excited for every single walk, or are you just being polite?
Surely there are times when you just can’t be bothered…. right?!
15. Does time feel different to you?
Is one hour without me really as long as it seems?
16. Would you rather come with me to brunch at a dog-friendly café, or nap at home?
17. Do you realise your paws smell like popcorn?
Because honestly, it’s kind of magical. Do you teleport to the local cinema during the night? What’s your secret?
18. What is it about the vet that makes you so nervous? Even when it’s just a routine check-up?
Is there a smell when you first arrive that makes you worried? Or maybe a hidden pet who’s warning you about what might happen?
19. If you had your own Instagram account, what would you post about me?
(Or do I not want to know…?)
20. If you knew your life was shorter than mine, what would you do differently?
Spend less time napping, or more time cuddling? Or being more persistent at dinner time?
What we’d learn if dogs could talk
If dogs could talk, we’d gain more than just answers to our silly questions. We’d understand their fears, their joys, and what truly makes them feel safe and loved. We’d know which toys they can’t live without, which friends they adore, and maybe even what makes them happiest about us.
Until then, we can only guess. But honestly, the guessing is half the fun. The mystery is part of what makes our bond with dogs so special.
What would you want to ask? Let us know in the comments below.
